Sex in the Time of Corona: Dude, can you spare your folks some room?
Welcome to a life which is looking very different than it did two months ago. What a crazy world we now live in. We could not make this stuff up. Maybe you are like me and naively believed Coronavirus would never reach OUR shores. But fast forward two months, and all of us are modifying our lives and trying to cope with devastating changes including job losses, social isolation, food scarcity, more exposure to the realities of racial injustice, and dwindling access to common household products.
In addition, your living situation may have changed. Many people in large urban centers who had the opportunity and finances to move to less populated places have skipped town. Also, many young adults who have experienced independent living either in college or on their own have been forced to move back in with their parents.
This latter reality can create a stressful dynamic for everyone involved. It is not uncommon for parents to find some joy in their child-free, empty nests. It may be hard for the kids to believe it, but many couples report better relationships and improved intimacy when their children leave home. So how do you reclaim this aspect of life when your little love shack gets inundated and you are faced with the realities of living in a pandemic? How can you maintain the relationship you have worked so hard to create?
So far, I have only read COVID related sex advice that is geared toward younger people moving back in with their parents. Why is that? Is it a result of ageism? Is it because older folks are not having sex?
Well, to all you out there, please note, while it is reasonable to not want to think about your parents having sex, many of them are getting it on. Sex does not have an expiration date (to quote sex educator and activist, Joan Price). Despite some challenges as one ages, data show that many couples develop greater intimacy the older they get. Once people rewrite their sexual scripts and explore new options in their sexual repertoire, many state their sex lives become better than ever. Having a life filled with healthy sexuality is important and should not get sidelined amidst this crisis.
Then the kids come back! Here are some tips to help ensure that everyone can find privacy and maintain intimacy in the time of COVID 19.
Establish guidelines about household tasks. Just because you are the parents, and it is your home, you do not have to assume responsibility for all of the chores. You do not need to cook dinner every night or do all the laundry. Divide up chores and responsibilities to ensure you have the time, space, and energy for yourself and your partner.
Negotiate how each party will get to exercise reasonable freedom to live their lives. While everyone must make compromises, it important to discuss and create boundaries around the things that are most important to all of you.
Take long walks or go outside together if your municipality permits it. If you have the privilege to create some physical space for yourself and with your partner, do it.
Establish regular date nights: do not cook for your family, go to a separate part of the house if able or send the kids to the basement. Let your family know that these interludes are important for your relationship. Set a precedent by giving your children space as well. Support the notion of sexual equity.
Sequester yourself in your room as much and as long as you want and demand household respect for privacy.
Many people are not able to enjoy sexual intimacy when they have a full house. Make sure that you communicate regularly with your partner about the effect the new family constellation has on your relationship and sexual activity, and take good care of each other.
This is a scary time. I am sure that many people are reassured and grateful to have their families safely hunkered down together. This new unexpected normal presents some unique challenges. You probably never anticipated having “the sex talk” with your adult children. We know that sex leads to better mental and physical health and can be a beneficial outlet during this difficult time. So while you likely never imagined having this conversation, it is not a bad idea in order to stay healthier and saner while quarantined with your extended family.
Please let me know if you have other questions you would like to get addressed. Feel free to send me a confidential message here or give me a call.
Stay healthy!
Susan Kamin is a certified nurse midwife and a sexuality health counselor. After many years of helping people give birth and be born, she is now providing personalized integrative well women care at Lifecycle Women's Health in Readfield and Brunswick, Maine. She sees people across the lifespan with a focus on care during midlife/menopause and sexual health. She enjoys sharing her wisdom in the hopes of helping people find pleasure, knowledge, and empowerment in their bodies as they go through all of life's transitions.
