Sex in the Time of Corona: Libido Limbo
What is your go-to for stress reduction? Often, we know what makes us feel better when we are stressed. It is very individual. What one person finds soothing, the other may find totally annoying or unhealthy. I have been hearing this often recently when it comes to sex, especially from people who had great sex lives before COVID-19 struck. Some people are responding to the stress caused by living in a pandemic by feeling increasingly horny, while others have watched their sexual desire drift away just like toilet paper and disinfectant wipes off the grocery store shelf.
Either way, you are having a normal reaction. There are many really good reasons for either behavior. You are QUARANTINED with your partner (whoever thought we would be faced with this?), you have fewer choices, you are scared, you are stressed, you need connection, you want to feel relaxed, and sex is the answer.
On the other hand, we are living in an exceptional time right now. Even though the curve is starting to flatten, we are not out of the woods yet, or even close, which leads to a lack of control, more uncertainty, and therefore more stress. How long is this going to last? What are the economic consequences? What are the sociopolitical consequences? With so many unknowns coupled with the stressful realities of the here and now, another normal response is to lose interest in sex. Contrary to other historical periods, the birth rate is actually expected to decrease. Corona (as in virus, not beer) is making many people feel very un-sexy.
People cope with stress in different ways. The question is what do you do about it when this is causing tension in your relationship?
At the most basic level, you need to talk about it. Have you ever had a conversation with your partner about sex? If the answer is no, you are not alone. Many couples, even those who have been together for decades find it very difficult to discuss sexual relationship issues.
Why is sex so hard to talk about? Isn’t sex an essential component of who we are? Isn’t consensual sexual expression a basic human right?
Yes, that is what people in the sex-positive community believe. However, that is not how many of us were educated. Shame and secrecy continue to be pervasive attitudes around sexuality. This makes sex very difficult to discuss, even with the person you may be closest to. This leads to lost opportunities for having a healthier sex life and getting the sex you want.
To quote Dan Savage, you just have to “use your words” and start talking! Communication is the most important element to help you understand the discord. Here are a few tips to help you start the conversation:
Plan for a conversation at a time and place that feels comfortable. A spontaneous conversation in the bedroom after a heated moment of incongruity is not the optimal time to have this conversation.
It is important to use “I” statements when you speak such as “I really miss not having sex with you” or “I am feeling overwhelmed right now from things and it is hard for me to really enjoy sex”. This helps with reducing defensiveness. It is always best to let your partner know what you want, what works, and feels great. Try not to focus on what is wrong, but what is right.
In her book, Sex Matters for Women, Sallie Foley, MSW, advises partners to ask each other open-ended questions, and to actively listen to each other. This can help develop understanding and compassion. Some sample questions could include:
“The thing I admire about you is…”
“The part of my body I feel most self-conscious about is….”
“My favorite part of lovemaking with you is….”
I suggest that each partner come up with their own set of questions. This could be a great time to get to know your partner better and to have fun, trusting, and meaningful conversations. Be curious. Commit to getting to know your partner and yourself better than you have before.
This is also a good time to spend thinking about what you desire most in your relationship, what has been really great, and what could use some improvement. Keep a journal, look at your thoughts on paper before you share them with your partner. This can help to create some space and lead to new opportunities. If you find that you need some more help either individually or as a couple, many therapists are offering virtual support right now.
Remember to be kind to yourselves, be authentic, and really spend some time to remember what is most important to you. This time will pass, but in the meantime, you need to stay safe, sane, and excited for a sexual relationship that works for you.
If I have not addressed your concerns or you have other sexual health questions, I want to know. Please reach out to me with your questions or comments right here. In the meantime, stay healthy.
Susan Kamin is a certified nurse midwife and a sexuality health counselor. After many years of helping people give birth and be born, she is now providing personalized integrative well women care at Lifecycle Women's Health in Readfield and Brunswick, Maine. She sees people across the lifespan with a focus on care during midlife/menopause and sexual health. She enjoys sharing her wisdom in the hopes of helping people find pleasure, knowledge, and empowerment in their bodies as they go through all of life's transitions.
